Meaningful Silences
by Slrmn82
Summary: After loosing Spock, Kirk realizes how much the Vulcan meant to him. Is it too late? K/S Slash
1. Default Chapter

Meaningful Silences  
  
Rated: PG-13 May go up later depending on direction of fic.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so and feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
Sleepless Nights  
  
Admiral James Kirk had been awake for the last three hours tossing and turning restlessly in his bed, looking inconsolably at the drab standard issue quarters that Starfleet assigned him. Although before Genesis, his quarters suited him well enough, or at least that was what Kirk tried to convince himself of; now they felt like a prison. Every night since the return trip to Earth, after informing the Ambassabor and Spock's mother about his death, Kirk had been haunted by memories of the last painful moments of his best friend's life.  
  
[The needs of the many…}  
  
[Out weight the needs of the few…]  
  
[Or the one.]  
  
[You always have been and always will be my friend.]  
  
[Live long and prosper.]  
  
This particular night thoughts of Spock were too close to the surface to allow any rest so Kirk quickly threw on a pair of running pants and left his quarters behind without a backward glance. The night was remarkable bright despite the late hour, and Kirk had little trouble using the moon over San Francisco to guide him to the bay.   
  
As he ran relentlessly his mind was consumed with visions of his remarkable First Officer over the many years that they had known one another. When Jim had first met the Vulcan he intimidated him, although he let no sign of this show on his face.   
  
But from the first, Kirk had noticed certain loneliness underneath the super-Vulcan exterior. From that moment on, Kirk did his best to include Spock in ship functions as well as indulge in the occasional game of chess. As once a month became once a week, and then whenever they had the free time, the curiosity turned to comfortable routine, which turned to anticipation. When not on missions the two senior officers often took shore leave together as well, sometimes accompanied by Bones.   
  
Spock's death had even affected Doctor McCoy more outwardly then it did Kirk, although inside Kirk was a mess. Had it not been for his concern with the mission and then Bones' mental state, he most likely would have had a nervous breakdown. After the first episode, McCoy had returned much to normal, although he swore he still heard Spock speaking to him at times.   
  
It was only when Spock was absent that Jim felt the presence that had always been in the back of his mind. Without even realizing it, Jim had been reassured by the link between the two of them and had taken strength from it during the worst times of his life. Now however, Jim felt even more isolated and despairing then he ever could remember feeling before.  
  
While he was woolgathering and busy feeling sorry for himself he had continued running at a break-neck pace, the sweat dripping off of him in waves. When he at last looked up at his surroundings he was surprised to find himself in front of the Vulcan consulate.   
  
He merely looked at the imposing steel gates, up at the modern building housing Ambassador Sarek, who had returned to earth last night. Sarek had sent two messages to Kirk at both his office and at home, but Kirk had been too listless to reply to either of them today. He was going to force himself to face Spock's father the first thing in the morning. In fact Jim was just turning sluggishly around when a shadow from the grounds coming closer halted him.  
  
"Admiral Kirk, a word please." Came a calm voice from the darkness. Kirk recognized the voice right away, and had to physically force himself to stand his ground. Although the two Vulcans were different as night and day, their voices sounded remarkably similar at times. Kirk did not think he could handle the reminder of his lose right now.  
  
"Ambassador Sarek." Kirk replied, in a suitable emotionless voice, that even Spock would have envied. Using his command training he kept the torment off his face and by the time the Ambassador entered the courtyard, Kirk looked perfectly calm and in control. "I am sorry to be disturbing you at this time of night. I will speak to you tomorrow morning in your office."  
  
As Kirk turned away slightly Sarek took a step forward. Speaking in an as urgent tone of voice as Kirk had ever heard coming from the usually taciturn Vulcan.  
  
"I must speak with you immediately. It is urgent."   
  
So saying Sarek strode back into the consulate without a backward glance to see if Jim Kirk was indeed following him. Kirk couldn't silence the anxious sigh that escaped him as he silently followed the Ambassador, for what would turn out to be a life changing conversation. 


	2. A Stilted Dialogue

Meaningful Silences  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
Sorry this is the rewritten version. It seems I forgot a few key events in the films.   
  
A Stilted Dialogue  
  
As Kirk followed Sarek into the Vulcan Consulate a sense of irony surrounded him. Considering Spock's complete lack of a relationship with his father, it suddenly struck Jim as amusing that here he was a mere eight days after his death and he was having a late night meeting with Sarek.   
  
Where as Spock's rational responses put Kirk at ease and over time became a sort of private joke between them, the rigidity of Spock's father only reminded him of how much he'd lost after the death of his best friend. Watching Sarek covertly, Kirk noticed a slight tightening around his eyes, but no other symptoms that he was other than in perfect health, physically and emotionally.  
  
Not many people would have guessed that he had just lost his only son a few days prior. Suddenly Kirk felt the need to rage at Sarek for his emotionless in the face of the shining light his son had becom4e to Kirk. For him to look like nothing of importance had happened, while leading Kirk god knows where … well it was suddenly unthinkable. Kirk clenched his fists at his side desperately trying to keep his bubbling emotions under tight control.   
  
It never occurred to Jim that anyone looking upon him would have many of the same thoughts. In fact his face, if possible, was even more impassive than Sarek's had been. Without realizing it, Jim was compartmentalizing his distress and locking it away, so that even Sarek with his empathic gifts would be hard pressed to sense anything but utter calm.   
  
Quite ironically some would say, that the man who did everything in his power to familiarize Spock with emotions and their appeal, had all but refused to feel much of anything since the Vulcan's death a week earlier. As they both made their way through the empty corridors of the Consulate, Kirk unconsciously imitated Sarek's gait. On the Vulcan the staid posture looked natural, on Kirk it seemed false somehow, out of character for the usually social butterfly.  
  
Unaware of the signals his body language was subtly giving out to Sarek, Jim continued to stride rigidly at the Ambassador's side, until at long last they had entered the Ambassadorial Wing, leading to Sarek's suites. The silence was getting to Kirk like nothing else had been able to since Spock's death. He felt even more alone then before, even with a relative of his first officer near to him. Sarek gestured him into his temporary office and quietly served Vulcan herbal tea, before sitting at his desk.   
  
As Jim sipped his tea waiting for Sarek to explain his reason for wanting to speak to the Admiral, Kirk busied himself staring at the well-tended fire. The room was kept at Vulcan norm, so was a bit hot for Jim, although he had gotten used to the higher temperatures when around his Vulcan. Somehow it seemed more uncomfortable sitting across from Sarek however.  
  
When the silence became somewhat uncomfortable Kirk redirected his attention on the Ambassador, to find him gazing at straight back with a curious expression on his face. Kirk did not have the patience or even the inclination to determine the meaning of the look and simply stared back in silence.  
  
"You wished to speak to me Ambassador?" Kirk asked, unable to keep the utter exhaustion out of his voice.  
  
"Yes. I have attempted to get a hold of you on two consecutive occasions with no response." Sarek responded disapprovingly. "It was most fortunate that I stumbled upon you on your run."  
  
After Sarek mentioned his rather desperate jog, Kirk suddenly realized his state of dress, or more accurately his state of undress. In comparison to Sarek, who was impeccably dressed in Vulcan dress robes even this late into the night; Kirk was casually dressed in running pants and a t-shirt with sweat running off his body in torrents.   
  
"Quite fortuitous." Kirk mechanically agreed, staring at the Ambassador. "As I believe I mentioned, I was planning on contacting you first thing in the morning. What can I help you with Ambassador?"  
  
"I have heard about you Doctor's condition." Sarek responded. "At first I thought nothing of it. I am not deeply familiar with Human physiology despite my choice in mates, and it didn't strike me as odd. While I was occupied with consoling my wife, Vulcan's top doctors happened to mention the good doctor's condition to me."  
  
Here Sarek stopped as if waiting for Kirk to explain, but Kirk merely responded with a raised eyebrow in question.  
  
"Since you had left so quickly, I had not gotten the chance to question you about my son's Katra."  
  
"His what?" Jim asked in confusion.  
  
"Katra. Essence, soul." Sarek explained further. "I had assumed it would be dormant with no Vulcan and/or bondmate to transfer it to on the Enterprise at the time of his death, but when McCoy began saying that he was hearing Spock speak to him, I knew that my son still lived, at least in essence. Now all that remains is finding his body on Genesis." 


	3. Solidarity

Meaningful Silences 3/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
This gets AU from here on out. Although I am not too sure where to take this fic. Oh well, onto the next part.  
  
Solidarity  
  
Looking back over the next few weeks, Jim wasn't sure how he was able to function properly, captaining the Enterprise to Genesis. When Sarek first told him that Spock was still out there somehow, his first thought was why hadn't he been aware of it.   
  
The bond between himself and Spock was so strong at times, that Kirk expected it to supercede death. He had been so absorbed in simply surviving through the mission and then the days that followed that he was absolutely no good to anybody. When he spoke to the Admiral shortly after his return form Sarek's, Kirk was so furious at his response that he barely kept from punching the man in the nose. He had acted like Kirk was mentally unbalanced, and after all they both had done for the Federation.  
  
It didn't take Kirk long to decide the best plan of action was to 'borrow' the Enterprise for the reconnaissance mission. Jim was going to attempt to steal the ship himself, not wanting to involve others in an action that could be cause for a court-martial. Jim couldn't bring himself to mourn his career in Starfleet overly much, especially due to their lack of support for his latest endeavor.  
  
How the others became aware of what he was planning, Kirk never found out, but they refused to allow him to travel to Genesis by himself. With Scotty's help the ship was in working order and gone before any of the other newer ships could stop them. Breaking McCoy out of Starfleet Medical was remarkably easy with the help of Uhura.  
  
The trip back to Genesis was fairly uneventful, what Kirk in happier times would have called a 'milk run.' Although this time his mind was filled with worse case scenarios about what the crew would find on the surface. In the past, it would not be unusual for the crew to see the Captain walking the decks during Ships Night. With a skeleton crew manning the station, Kirk would take the time to walk the ship sometimes accompanied by his first officer.   
  
Always, Kirk looked relaxed and at peace communing with his 'lady,' so it was with great unease that the crew noticed his habitual late-night walk-about the last few nights. His posture looking anything but at peace. Perhaps it was the lack of the Vulcan steadfastly roaming next to him, but the Captain seemed to shrink somewhat in all of the crew's eyes.   
  
No longer was J.T. Kirk a larger that life leader, nor a miracle-worker. He was what he'd always been, but what he only let Spock and McCoy see: a charismatic, manipulative leader/warrior with the weight of the world and his failures on his shoulders. He was looking haggard and somewhat wan, although there was still a spark of life in his eyes, but the crew were all worried about seeing that light go out if Spock wasn't found alive on the surface.  
  
Eventually it was McCoy, like always, who got to the heart of the matter. Although still a little mixed up about the Spock-voices in his head, the doctor had noticed Kirk's downslide since Spock's 'death.' That is why he found himself outside Jim's quarters at 1330 hours holding a bottle of Brandy getting ready to chime for entrance.  
  
Hearing the door chime, Kirk shut off his viewscreen, where he had been studying the security tape of Spock's final moments trapped with the radiation. Kirk had been re-watching it looking for reason to hope that what Sarek said was true. No matter how much he wanted to convince himself however, a small part of him insisted that if Spock were alive then he, James Kirk, would know it unquestionably.  
  
The dreams that he had been having since his first officer's death still haunted his waking hours as well. In them Kirk would talk to Spock over a game of chess in his quarters. After the third such dream, Kirk chalked it up to missing his friend and wishing he were still alive. Kirk refused even now, to acknowledge the dreams as what they were, two soul mates communicating in the only way possible for them, with their minds.   
  
Although Kirk had known that he loved his Vulcan friend for some time, he had not realized that he was in love with him until he woke up from the first dream. That night Kirk had dreamt that Spock had come to him in his quarters and they talked of all manner of things, played chess and entered into a mind meld. Although none of those events were any different then happenings quite frequently between those two, once Kirk woke up and realized the reality of the situation and that he would never again be able to share the trivialities of his day with his beloved friend, did he acknowledge to himself the true scope of his lose.   
  
That night was spent wracked with tears, curled up around one of Spock's jumpers. The next day and those following, Kirk managed to lock his emotions away to be dealt with at a later time, but the closer they got to their destination, the closer the fear and desperation came to the surface, so that each night it was all Kirk could do to keep from keening out his misery and despair. Even though Spock's Katra was down on Genesis somewhere, Kirk wasn't sure what condition, if any, Spock's body would be in.   
  
His musings were interrupted again by the second beep of the door chime, and Kirk hastily closed the now blank view screen and stood up walking to the door. It opened to show a stubborn looking Bones holding a bottle of brandy. Before Kirk could invite him in, or not as the case may be, Bones pushed his way in and made himself at home. The doctor poured each of them a large tumbler of brandy, and when Jim stayed where he was, McCoy gestured for him to take a seat across from where the doctor was sitting. Kirk did so reluctantly and took a large sip of brandy to help wash his unease away, before turning his full attention to the surprisingly serious looking doctor.  
  
"What do I owe this visit, Bones?"  
  
"Can't I just want to have a glass of my best brandy with an old and dear friend?" Bones asked innocently. The only response was a snort. Jim raised his glass to the cantankerous country doctor in front of him and downed the rest of the alcohol in one swallow, ignoring the burning as it slid down his throat. 


	4. A Chat With McCoy

Meaningful Silences 4/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
This gets AU from here on out. Although I am not too sure where to take this fic. Oh well, onto the next part.  
  
A Chat With McCoy  
  
"So how are you really doing, Jimbo?" McCoy asked after he took a smaller sip of his drink.  
  
"I'm fine Bones." Jim assured his friend.  
  
"Come on, don't try to fool an old country doctor." McCoy snorted. "I'm not some ensign, Captain. How are you really?"  
  
Kirk stared at Bones for a short moment before looking away almost sheepishly.  
  
"How do you think I'm doing, Bones?" Jim asked in a soft voice that conveyed the depth of his pain. "I miss him."  
  
"Me too." McCoy acknowledged ruefully. "But don't ever tell that green-blooded hobgoblin that I said so."  
  
"When would I get the chance to?"  
  
"You'll get the chance, Jimmy boy. Unless you've forgotten I've got the Vulcan in my head. A worse thing I could not tell ya. It's bad enough listening to him on the Enterprise." McCoy reminded Jim humorously. "Goddamned logic."  
  
"I don't know." Jim murmured. "I just don't know."  
  
"What don't you know?" McCoy asked, although he had a fairly good idea of what his Captain was talking about.  
  
"Well… what if we're getting our hopes up for nothing?" Jim asked hoarsely. "I mean what if he's not down there at all?"  
  
"He's down there Jim, I feel it right though to my crotchety old bones." The doctor asserted seriously, taking hold of Jim's hand from across the table. "I just wouldn't get your hopes on him being the same as before though."  
  
"If he's alive that's all that matters."   
  
"True, but who knows what he'll be like. The man was resurrected after all. He may not remember us, or he may be someone different altogether." McCoy mentioned gently. "I just don't want to get your hopes up unnecessarily."  
  
"Damn it!" Cursed Kirk. "I hadn't thought of that."  
  
"I didn't think you had."  
  
"Well, if he's alive we can worry about the rest after we find him." Jim said in a conscience effort to push the horrifying possibilities from his mind.  
  
"He's alive alright. After all it's not just me hearing voices in my head. Even Sarek had cause to believe it, and we both know that man is ruled even more so by logic than his son. " Assured McCoy. "Let's just hope he's still the Spock we know."  
  
"Yeah, let's hope."  
  
"Well, Jim I've heard you've taken to walking the ship at night." McCoy mentioned after a few minutes of quiet contemplation.  
  
"I have always done that, Bones." Kirk said. "You know that."  
  
"I do, but you've never done it when you're obviously bone tired and depressed."   
  
"McCoy." Kirk growled.  
  
"Jim." McCoy answered back just as annoyed. "You need to rest."  
  
"I-"  
  
"You won't do Spock any good when we find him if you are dead on your feet from exhaustion." McCoy continued relentlessly.  
  
"I try to get to sleep." Jim answered sullenly. "Why do you think I'm up and about at all hours?"  
  
"Well, it' a good thing I always come prepared for any eventuality then, isn't it?"   
  
McCoy took a hypo spray out of his pants pocket and administered it to a protesting Kirk. Before Jim could do more than yawn he was already on his way to sleep. He vaguely felt his outer clothing being removed and being tucked gently into bed.  
  
"Sleep well, Jim."  
  
And he did just that. 


	5. On Genesis

Meaningful Silences 5/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
This gets AU from here on out. Although I am not too sure where to take this fic. Oh well, onto the next part.  
  
On Genesis  
  
The bridge the next day was tension-filled as the crew of the USS Enterprise waited impatiently for readings of life signs on Genesis from their position circling above the planet's atmosphere. Kirk in particular was tightly strung and it was only when a life form was confirmed that he relaxed his rigid posture.  
  
"McCoy, Chekov, Nurse Chapel, you're with me." Kirk ordered as he made his way up the stairs to the turbo lift. Nurse chapel met the away team in the transporter room with a full supply of medical supplies. They each had a phaser in their hands as well as a tricorder, as soon as everyone got on the transporter pad Kirk ordered the transport, fairly strumming with repressed excitement.  
  
As the transporter faded the four crewmen looked around their surroundings in awe. The planet was picture-perfect. The trees lush greens, the water sparkling and clear, the sky a heavenly blue with not a cloud in sight. It was like Eden and the crew took a deep breath of the air, walking onward with and unnoticed bounce it their step.  
  
"Spock should be that way, four kilometers." Chekov told them as he looked at his tricorder for confirmation.  
  
"Well, then let's get our first officer back, shall we folks." Kirk answered walking towards the direction in which Chekov pointed.  
  
As they walked over the hill they noticed the crashed funeral tube sticking out of the earth. Close by they noticed a prone body lying in a heap on the soil. Kirk was the first to react as he ran towards the fallen body, the others closely followed.  
  
"Spock!" Kirk screamed his voice caught between hopeful and tormented.   
  
He ignored the branches that hit him in the face as he ran as fast as his legs would carry him, until he knelt down by the black-clad body. Before he could turn him up so that Kirk could see his face, McCoy rushed over and practically pushed Kirk away from the body.  
  
"Don't move him." McCoy ordered when it looked like Jim would move him. "Let me examine his condition."   
  
So saying McCoy opened his tricorder and waved it over the prone body. It beeped and buzzed then lay silent.  
  
"It is Spock, but he seems to be comatose, almost like a meditative trance." Bones told Kirk softly. "There seems to be nothing wrong with Spock physically, yet he still lies unconscious. Let's get him back to the Enterprise where I can run further tests."  
  
McCoy felt along Spock's neck, quickly pressing a hypo spray to stabilize his vital signs.  
  
"Beam Spock's signal straight to Sickbay, Scotty." Kirk ordered. Watching worriedly as Spock disappeared in a beam of light, leaving speckles of energy behind. "Four to beam up."   
  
Once the four of them were once again on the Enterprise, Kirk walked to the bridge. He had to force himself not to change directions and head for sickbay right away. Instead he lengthened his stride and continued on his way to the bridge. Upon entering, Kirk smiled, relieving the tensions of this crew with one look, although they were still worried about Spock's condition.  
  
"Sulu, set course for Vulcan. Warp 4." Kirk ordered.  
  
"Ay, sir." Sulu acknowledged setting course for Vulcan. "Course set, sir."  
  
"Engage."  
  
Kirk stayed on the bridge in his chair for the next two hours, making sure the ship got underway without problems. Only after he was sure that things were taken care of did he let himself think of Spock, lying comatose in Sickbay.  
  
"Scotty, you have the Conn. I'll be in Sickbay."  
  
"Aye, laddie." Scotty said, giving Kirk a hearty clap on the back. "Give Spock our regards."  
  
"Of course Scotty. Alert me if there are any emergencies that require my attention."  
  
Kirk walked to the turbo lift silently and as the doors closed behind him he leaned heavily against the wall, only rousing himself when he heard the doors open on the deck near Sickbay. He walked slowly, nodding to the occasional crewman who acknowledged him until he stepped in front of the doors to sickbay. Hoping for some good news Jim took a deep breath and entered. 


	6. By His Bedside

Meaningful Silences 6/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
This gets AU from here on out. Although I am not too sure where to take this fic. Oh well, onto the next part.  
  
By His Bedside  
  
As Kirk entered Sickbay, he expected it to be busy, but instead found it unusually silent. Fearing the worst illogically, knowing that McCoy would have alerted him to any downward turn of Spock's condition, this did not stop Kirk from striding hurriedly further in to Sickbay looking for Spock. McCoy was leaning over a console close to Spock's bed working diligently. He didn't notice the captain's entrance until he was practically upon them.  
  
"Any change, Bones?" Kirk asked, trying to keep the irrational fear from his voice. Of course Bones being Bones noticed the tension right away. He looked worriedly at his friend for a few seconds before shaking his thoughts of and answering the question.  
  
"Not really, Captain. I've been running a standard battery of tests since we returned to the Enterprise." McCoy explained. "Besides being two years younger than he was a couple of weeks ago, Spock is in perfect health. I see no reason for him to still be unconscious."  
  
"Sarek mention his katra. If part of it is still in you then perhaps the Vulcans can do something for him once we get there." Kirk mentioned looking down at the sleeping face of his first officer.   
  
Almost without realizing what he was doing Kirk caressed a smooth cheek reverently, only stopping when McCoy cleared his throat, thereby reminding his friend of his continued presence. Kirk quickly removed his hand from Spock's face and clasped it to his chest looking like a naughty schoolboy caught doing something wrong. It didn't escape McCoy's notice that Jim was caressing the inside of his hand where he toughed Spock without seemingly noticing that he was doing so.  
  
"Don't worry about it, Jimboy. I won't mention it to the green blooded hobgoblin when he wakes up." McCoy reassured his friend. "But you may want to talk to him yourself. It's past time you told him don't you think?"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about Bones." Kirk answered back quickly, straightening his posture slightly, and donning the 'captain's mask' once again. If Kirk thought that was the end of the discussion he was in for a surprise.  
  
"That little trick may work with everyone else, but not on me." McCoy stated. "Now don't you give me that look."  
  
"Bones leave it alone." Kirk growled in exasperation, tightly gripping the side of Spock's bed.  
  
"I will not." Bones answered, glaring at his stubborn captain from across the console.   
  
He moved his chair around so that he was facing his friend, and glared Kirk into submission without saying another word. McCoy was only satisfied when Jim was sitting in the chair opposite him, next to Spock's bedside. Although for the most part, McCoy tried to stay out of his two commanding officers business, they were both his friends and Bones was getting sick of all the pussyfooting around each other.  
  
"You've been an absolute mess these last few weeks, Jim." McCoy started off in an as serious voice as anyone had ever heard from him. "When you thought Spock was dead you shut down completely. You were running on autopilot for weeks. Did you think no one noticed? I had problems of my own as you well know, but I was worried about you. Hell, even Sarek was worried in that none motional Vulcan way he has."  
  
"What's the point to all this Bones?" Kirk asked impatiently. "I know the condition I have been in over the last few weeks I don't need you to remind me."  
  
"Don't you? After all that pain, you'd just let things stand as they were?" McCoy asked, "You love that man, only god knows why, but you do."  
  
"Of course I do. He's my friend."  
  
"Cut the crap, Jim." McCoy hissed. "You are in love with the green-blooded hobgoblin and you know it. Now you may be able to hide all of your love for him once he wakes up, but do you really want to?"  
  
"Bones." Kirk interrupted desperately. "You don't know what you're saying."  
  
"I know exactly what I am saying, Captain." McCoy answered, grasping Kirk's hand strongly. "Are you going to let possible happiness slip away after you are getting a second chance, just because you are scared?"  
  
"It's not so simple as that." Kirk said softly looking at Spock's prone body in fear. "Besides, what if he doesn't wake up?"  
  
"I am ashamed of you, Jimmy. That man is as hardheaded and stubborn as you are. After conquering death do you really think he's going to let a little thing like a coma stop him?" Bones asked incredulously. "I never thought I would see the day when James T. Kirk was afraid to take a risk on anything."  
  
"Damn it, Bones! I can't loose him again." Kirk snarled, his face pale and hands shaking. "You saw what I was like when we thought he was… gone. I couldn't survive it if I pushed him away, after just finding him again."  
  
"Don't you think the choice should be his to make, Jimmy?" 


	7. On Vulcan

Meaningful Silences 7/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
This gets AU from here on out. Although I am not too sure where to take this fic. Oh well, onto the next part. By the way if anyone has any ideas for where I should take this fic it ill be appreciated. I was thinking of having them go on a leave together in a couple of chapters. Love it? Hate it? Anyway…  
  
Sorry for the delay in updating. I had a bit of writers block. Ah well… Here it is.  
  
On Vulcan  
  
The Enterprise arrived at Vulcan four days later at 0300 EST. McCoy had been speaking to as many Vulcan healers as he could get a hold of in an attempt to find a course of action to bring the Vulcan out of his coma.   
  
The healers were all in agreement that the only way to have a chance at doing so would be to remove Spock's essence from McCoy and hopefully Spock's body would rejoin it with his mind. Although this procedure had never been tried before it was theoretically possible, but with human physiology to consider as well it was very dangerous.   
  
In fact it was so experimental that Leonard hadn't even mentioned it to his distraught captain as of yet. He watched through the glass window of his office as his captain gently stroked his 'friend's' hand, while he himself looked exhausted.   
  
To the casual observer it looked as if McCoy was deeply immersed in a pile of paperwork as high as his elbow, but in reality he hadn't gotten much work done since he had spoken to the healers on Vulcan. He continued to stare covertly at his two best friends wondering if he would have the opportunity to tease them about their stubbornness again once this trip was over.   
  
McCoy may have been acting impervious to the stresses of the last few weeks after he had processed the Vulcan in his head, but he was actually scared down to his molecules that something would happen while those emotionless bastards were rummaging around in his mind. He would never tell the man this to his face, but the only being McCoy could conceivably feel comfortable with in his head was Spock.  
  
Even so he was willing to allow the healers free access to his most private thoughts and feelings if it would get Spock back where he belonged, at Kirk and his side, flying through the galaxy with best crew Starfleet had ever had.   
  
Granted he and Spock had been trying to convince Kirk to come out of retirement before this tragedy happened with no luck, but somehow McCoy thought this little reminder of all of their mortality would be enough of a boot in the ass for even the most stubborn-minded, namely James T. Kirk. Now all Spock had to do was grab his life with both hands and drag himself back. McCoy refused to think that the procedure that they would be trying in a few hours wouldn't work, and for that he cursed himself as an idealistic old fool letting his emotions get the better of him once again.  
  
Sighing in exasperation at his troubled mind and his uncompleted work still waiting for him, McCoy pushed his chair back from his desk and stiffly made his way out into Sickbay. He walked slowly towards Kirk who had fallen asleep while Leonard was woolgathering in his office. McCoy almost turned back around again convincing himself it would be a shame to wake Kirk especially now that he had finally managed to get some sleep. Just as he was about to make his way back to his office and relative seclusion, Kirk's eyes fluttered open questioningly.  
  
"Did you need something, Bones?" He asked in a voice gravely from lack of use.  
  
"I wanted to brief you on the procedure the healer's will use once we get to Vulcan, Jim." McCoy answered hesitantly, not looking forward to telling his friend of the possibility of him loosing both his beloved and his dear friend at the same time. "But you need rest, so it can wait."  
  
McCoy hurriedly turned around hoping that Jim would take his explanation at face-value and let him retreat. Kirk had always had a canny way of reading Bones, this time was no different unfortunately. Before he could get more than a few feet away, Kirk stopped him with a restraining hand on his arm.  
  
"What's going on, Bones?" Kirk asked softly. His eyes showing the depth of his concern as he gazed into his friends eyes. He only then noticed the fear McCoy was trying so desperately to hide, along with the determination. "Is everything alright?" 


	8. The Untested Procedure

Meaningful Silences 8/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
This gets AU from here on out. Although I am not too sure where to take this fic. Oh well, onto the next part. By the way if anyone has any ideas for where I should take this fic it ill be appreciated. I was thinking of having them go on a leave together in a couple of chapters. Love it? Hate it? Anyway…  
  
Sorry for the delay in updating. I had a bit of writer's block. Ah well… Here it is.  
  
The Untested Procedure  
  
Kirk stood pacing in the halls of the Vulcan Healing Center. It had only been an hour since both Bones and Spock had entered followed by Sarek who had met the Enterprise on Vulcan earlier that day. Kirk couldn't help feeling disconnected from his two friends somewhat as they did god knew what to them to separate Spock's essence from the doctor's mind. After the little chat he had with McCoy, Kirk was no closer to figuring out exactly what they were going to be doing. Even McCoy wasn't altogether sure, although he did understand the specifics, but most of it was done once the telepathic healers entered McCoy's brain, and since this particular procedure hadn't ever been tried on a human mind, the healers were basically 'playing it by ear.'   
  
This didn't make Kirk overly optimistic for both of his friends' recovery. He continued to pace the hallway while a few of the bridge crew sat in chairs to either side. This went on for many hours, with Jim getting more and more anxious as time went by, until finally Sarek came out of the chambers and walked to where Kirk was sitting with his head resting against the wall and his eyes closed against the light giving him a migraine.  
  
"Captain Kirk, if you would come with me please." Sarek asked the captain, who upon hearing his voice snapped his head back and blearily opened his eyes. Thankfully Ambassador Sarek's person was blocking much of the Vulcan sun, so that Kirk had no need to squint.  
  
"What's happened?" Kirk asked hesitantly after a moment of silence where he stared into the impassive face of the Vulcan. "Are they alright?"  
  
"The procedure is still underway." Sarek answered impassively. "However if you would follow me into the courtyard out back."  
  
"Why? What if something happens to them in the meantime?" Kirk asked rapid-fire, barely controlling his outward expression and the tone of his voice.   
  
Although his crew saw a mildly worriedly captain, the Vulcan could tell the effort his son's captain was exerting to control his emotions. If it weren't such a difficult and troubling time, Sarek would have been amused that the volatile human would ever attempt such an exercise.   
  
"I need to speak to you in private, Captain." Sarek told him, before the captain could ask further questions. Looking around at the eager faces of the crew of the Enterprise, Sarek understood Kirk's restraint. He could do no less in protecting Kirk's image. Without giving him time to answer, Sarek walked away from Kirk and proceeded to walk sedately to the courtyard on the west side of the compound. Once they were both in seclusion amongst the artificially grown trees and plants, Sarek turned around to speak to the human.  
  
"Captain Kirk, although you have been trying to block your emotions from your crew, and have succeeded, the telepaths working on Spock and Doctor McCoy have been distracted by the force of your mind. If you would stay here for the remaining of the procedure it will most-likely be completed much faster than it would have otherwise."  
  
"I didn't realize…" Kirk said at a loss for words. "I am sorry."  
  
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Sarek reassured the upset man. "It does you and McCoy, and Spock credit that you care about them to such a degree."  
  
"Thank you." Kirk said, flashing a small smile at the ambassador. He was silent for a few minutes before a thought troubled him again. "How will I know if anything has happened?"  
  
"I will stay here with you." Sarek answered, sitting on the hard bench and getting into a meditative position. "If there is any news I will be made aware of it immediately."  
  
"Okay." Kirk said, looking at the red sky of a Vulcan sunset. He continued to gaze above him quietly, trying not to interrupt the Vulcan meditating next to him, until he was startled from his contemplative silence by Sarek's cool voice near his ear.  
  
"Perhaps you can begin to ease your troubled mind through meditation techniques." He suggested carefully.  
  
"I was never one for meditation. That was always Spock's cup of tea." Kirk answered distractedly.  
  
"Cup of tea? I am unfamiliar with this term." Sarek spoke a few moments later, reminding Kirk of Spock.  
  
"It means that I have never preferred it." Kirk explained, feeling himself smile for first time in weeks.  
  
"Perhaps now is a good time to try again." Sarek suggested calmly.  
  
"Alright I guess it couldn't hurt anything." Kirk responded, getting into the customary meditative pose that Spock taught him a few years ago. "How do we start?"  
  
"Close your eyes and clear your mind…" 


	9. The Awakening

Meaningful Silences 9/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
This gets AU from here on out. Although I am not too sure where to take this fic. Oh well, onto the next part. By the way if anyone has any ideas about plot, it will be greatly appreciated. I was thinking of having them go on a leave together in a couple of chapters. Love it? Hate it? Anyway…  
  
Sorry for the delay in updating. I had a bit of writer's block. Ah well… Here it is.  
  
The Awakening  
  
Ambassador Sarek and James Kirk had been meditating for roughly four hours when an aide disrupted them. Although Kirk would never admit it to his Vulcan first officer even if he were given the chance, the meditation helped him to settle his over-worked mind. He had managed to quiet the incessant guilt that had been plaguing him as well as the aching worry in his gut. Overall Kirk was in much better shape mentally then he had been since this whole sorry adventure began. Although he was still anxious about his friends' recovery, Jim was content to wait and let events happen in their own time.  
  
The young aide entered quietly, clearing his throat in a discreet manner, causing both men to raise their head from their meditative pose. The young Vulcan was wearing the standard robs of a healer, but it's length suggested that the man was only an apprentice. He had black hair and brown eyes, and held himself stiffly as he waited for their acknowledgement of his presence.  
  
"Yes, Datour?" Sarek questioned calmly.  
  
"The ritual is complete, Ambassador." Datour answered plainly, showing no emotion on his face causing Kirk to force back a growl in his impatience.   
  
"Was it successful?"  
  
"We will not know for sure if Spock's essence is entirely in place until he awakens, that should take a few more hours, but he is still with us, which is an encouraging sign."  
  
"What about Bones?" Kirk asked abruptly, glaring at the young man's lack of information overall.  
  
"He is well, Captain Kirk." Datour answered impassively, not acknowledging Kirk's ill-tempered tone of voice.  
  
"Is he awake yet?" Kirk asked hopefully.   
  
"He is." Datour told the captain. "Although he seems to be irritable from the procedure. Otherwise, I assure you that Doctor McCoy is in good health."  
  
"Can I see him yet?"  
  
"Of course." Sarek answered for Datour, sending the young aide a quelling look when it looked like he would disagree. "I will escort you to the doctor's side."  
  
"Thank you." Kirk murmured to the Ambassador in gratitude, having obtained a new perspective on Spock's father during his time on Vulcan.   
  
"There is no cause for thanks." Sarek answered back as he led Kirk through the silent corridors, back to the operating area.   
  
Kirk passed several anxious crewmembers as he went and stopped frequently to reassure them and explain what he knew so far of McCoy and Spock's condition. As they reentered the waiting area, Kirk saw Sulu, Scotty, Chekov and Uhura sitting close to each other talking quietly. As soon as they saw Kirk they jumped to their feet. Most of Starfleet would have thought they were standing at attention as their Captain walked by. Kirk knew better, not to say that his crew didn't adhere strictly to protocol, even though at times they didn't.  
  
"Don't worry. The prognosis looks good." Kirk answered with a smile towards his senior staff and bridge crew. "McCoy is already back to his cantankerous self, ill-humored and bothering the doctors. I am on my way to see him now. Spock is still unconscious, but this time it's a healing trance. He should wake up in a few hours."  
  
"Will he be alright?" Uhura asked in concern.  
  
"We don't know the condition his mind will be in once he awakens, but I'm hopeful that he'll be okay." Kirk answered, trying to sound as optimistic as possible. "Now if you'll excuse me I want to check in with Bones and see how he's feeling." 


	10. Spock Who?

Meaningful Silences 10/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
Sorry for the delay in updating, in case anyone is reading this. I had a bit of writer's block. Ah well… Here it is.  
  
Spock Who?  
  
Kirk and a still weakened McCoy walked in silence to the main courtyard as Sarek had told them to. They were both nervous wrecks and couldn't wait to see Spock again. While Kirk had been talking to McCoy Sarek had spoken to the healers. Although Spock was still unconscious after the surgery at that time, Sarek was optimistic that his son would awaken very soon and asked the two crewmen to come down to Spock's side. None of the doctors or healers knew the state Spock's mind would be in when he awakened but all were satisfied with his physical well being at least.  
  
So it was that the captain on the USS Enterprise and its CMO were on their way to see their friend for the first time cognizant since his death on Genesis. Just as they were about to enter the outer hallway leading to the healer's wing Sarek came up to the doorway coming from the opposite direction along with the Lady Amanda.  
  
"Lady Amanda, how good it is to see you again." Kirk acknowledged taking her hand in greeting. "I just wish it was under better circumstances."  
  
"Me also, Captain Kirk." Amanda answered softly.   
  
"I summoned you here because I received word that it seems Spock had shown signs of awakening. If you two would follow me, I will show you to where he was moved after the surgery." Sarek interjected, taking Amanda's arm and leading them all into the next room.   
  
Kirk had to suck in a breath as he saw Spock lying peacefully in bed covered by blankets. He looked so still, that Kirk took a step forward to reassure himself that his Vulcan first officer was still alive. He noticed the rise and fall of Spock's chest a second later and relaxed, content to watch as Spock drew each breath. His eyes began to blink soon thereafter causing both Amanda and Kirk to hold their breath in anticipation. Amanda closely followed by Sarek rushed to their son's bedside when he opened his eyes fully. Spock continued to look at them for a moment before confusion covered his features. Kirk and McCoy didn't see this open expression because Spock was facing away from them.   
  
"Forgive me, but do I know you?" Spock asked in an unemotional tone of voice, looking steadily at both his parents. Amanda's eyes filled with tears, which she hastily wiped away before grabbing her son's hand.  
  
"I am you mother, Amanda. This is your father, Sarek." Lady Amanda answered softly looking into Spock's eyes for any recognition. There was none.  
  
"How did I come to be here… Mother?" Spock asked reluctantly. "And where are we located?"  
  
"You were in an accident on the Enterprise." Amanda began to explain. "That is a starship. Over there are your Captain and the Doctor of the Enterprise."  
  
Spock looked at McCoy and Kirk's directions finally. His eyes drilling into each of his friend's faces in turn. The room was silent for a full minute as Spock studied the two men leaning against each other seemingly for support near the doorway. They hesitantly walked closer to their friend, both feeling as if they were intruding on a family moment.  
  
"Captain, Doctor… You two are familiar to me. Wait a moment." Spock spoke in a far away voice. It looked as if he were trying desperately to retrieve a forgotten memory from years ago. In some ways that would be accurate to say since Spock did indeed grow up a second time during his time on Genesis. "Captain.. James Tiberius Kirk and Doctor McCoy, Leonard McCoy. Is that correct?"  
  
"You green blooded pointy eared hobgoblin!" McCoy proclaimed walking toward the Vulcan resting a supporting arm on his friend. "It's good to have you back."  
  
Spock raised an imperious eyebrow at the doctor not the least bit taken aback by this 'stranger's' exclamation. Rather the opposite in fact. It seemed to Spock that these two were his home, although he still didn't know them specifically.  
  
"I wasn't aware I went anywhere, Doctor." Spock answered automatically, before looking uncertain once again. "I was correct about your identity was I not?"  
  
"That you are, Spock." Kirk answered when he got control of his voice. "That you are."  
  
"I am assuming that I am Spock?" Spock asked logically noticing the silence that followed his question.  
  
"Yeah, my friend. You're Spock." Kirk answered in a hoarse voice before looking away so that Spock wouldn't notice the suspect moisture in his eyes. 


	11. A Game Plan

Meaningful Silences 11/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
Sorry for the delay in updating, in case anyone is reading this. I had a bit of writer's block. Ah well… Here it is.  
  
A Game Plan   
  
It took only a few detailed questions from Spock for Kirk, McCoy and his parents to realize the depth of his life that he didn't remember. Jim watched as the cool Vulcan mask descended and Spock continued to hide behind formality. The Lady Amanda was alternating between simply being thrilled to see her son once again; to being weighed in despair as she noticed the distance he kept between his family and friends. It was nearly painful watching Jim Kirk trying to keep his despair at bay, while attempting to drag Spock out of his reticence. Between McCoy and himself, they were managing where his family was not, in bantering and talking to Spock.  
  
"And don't forget the Tribbles, Jim." McCoy interrupted Jim during the retelling of an encounter with the Klingons.   
  
"Tribbles, Doctor?" Spock asked, raising an eyebrow inquisitively.  
  
"Furry little buggers." Kirk mumbled in remembrance.   
  
"Come now Jim, they weren't that bad." McCoy tried to encourage his Captain into telling the story.  
  
"Not once they were off my ship, no." Kirk agreed. "I just wish I could have seen the Klingons faces when those furry guys appeared on their ship."  
  
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Two hours later found McCoy, Kirk, Sarek and Amanda standing outside Spock's quarters discussing the situation heatedly, or as heatedly as a Vulcan was able.  
  
"I understand your feelings are compromising your judgment where my son is concerned," Sarek told Jim calmly. "But the best place for Spock to recover is on Vulcan."  
  
"He doesn't even remember Vulcan." Kirk exclaimed, pacing a whole in the floor.  
  
"That is correct, but neither does he know the Enterprise, which if I may be perfectly blunt you may not Captain much longer due to you actions." Sarek mentioned impassively. "Spock is Vulcan and as such will heal fully among his own people."  
  
"He left his 'people' to join Starfleet, Ambassador in case you've forgotten."  
  
"I assure you I have not." Sarek responded. "But the fact still remains-"  
  
"That Spock was more comfortable with McCoy and myself."  
  
"He doesn't remember who you are either, captain." Amanda reminded Kirk who winced slightly at the reminder.  
  
"I know that, Lady Amanda. But I honestly think he would be better off on the Enterprise with men and women he's known over the last years of his life that he's forgotten."  
  
"I understand, James." Amanda reassured Kirk quietly, while looking at her husband. "We of course want what's best for our son's welfare."  
  
"Of course." Sarek agreed stubbornly. "But Starfleet may not agree with your assumption, nor your previous actions."  
  
"I did what was needed." Kirk answered sharply. "Starfleet be damned if they do not accept that."  
  
After a shrew look from his wife, Sarek spoke up in his own favor.   
  
"I am sure that will not be necessary, Captain Kirk." Sarek assured him. "I believe I have ample influence at Starfleet Headquarters to convince the Admiralty to be understanding and lenient. However, I will expect to be kept informed of my son's convalescence."  
  
"Of course, Admiral." McCoy agreed, talking for the first time since the discussion began. "We will be sure to keep you updated weekly."  
  
"Very well. I will speak to Admiral Nogura immediately." Sarek told them as he walked away with the Lady Amanda at his side.  
  
"You've really got to learn to shut your mouth at times, Jim." McCoy commented exasperatedly, cuffing Jim on the back of his head. "Just what in the blue hell were you thinking talking to the Admiral that way?" 


	12. Vacation

Meaningful Silences 12/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
Sorry for the delay in updating, in case anyone is reading this. I had a bit of writer's block. Ah well… Here it is.  
  
Vacation  
  
As it turned out, Ambassador Sarek did indeed have influential friends at Starfleet Headquarters, for once the enterprise docked at Starbase 51 both Captain Kirk and Commander Spock were given a two month shore leave on Risa. The rest of the crew was allowed vacation time on Earth while the Enterprise was refitted from the last excursion. Kirk wanted McCoy to accompany them to Risa but the good doctor declined graciously.  
  
"Come on, Jimmy. This time together will do you good." McCoy reassured Kirk.  
  
"But he still doesn't remember anything. What if he has some type of relapse?" Jim questioned worriedly. "He just got through being reborn for god sake. Now you want him to go haring off with me to Risa?"  
  
"He is in good shape physically." McCoy reminded him gently. "It's mentally you have to be on the look out for. But if you are that concerned I will only be a subspace channel away if there are any unforeseen problems."  
  
"Okay Doctor. As long as you're sure it's safe for him to travel so soon."  
  
"It is. Trust me Captain, this is just what the doctor ordered."  
  
McCoy watched in amusement as Kirk walked briskly out of sickbay, none of his worry evident on his face. Kirk had perfected the 'Captain's Mask' years before and it was a select few who could hope to see through it. McCoy was one of two such people.  
  
"If you two don't come back tighter than two pigs in a blanket, then I'm a monkey's uncle."  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"What is the purpose of our stay on this planet, Captain?"  
  
"For the third time Spock, when we are off-duty call me Jim. The purpose of this trip is to relax. Hopefully being around me and doing some of the things we usually do, you will begin to regain your lost memory." Kirk answered optimistically.  
  
"Would it not be better to regain my memories on Vulcan, or at the least on the… Enterprise?" Spock questioned curiously.  
  
"Undoubtedly better, but the Enterprise will be docked while undergoing a retrofit, so that option is unavailable, and Vulcan hasn't been your home in more than a decade if not longer." Kirk explained patiently. "As such, the closest thing you have to a comfort-zone is me, hence the trip to Risa."  
  
"Fascinating." Spock commented raining an eyebrow as well, causing Kirk to snort before he got control of his laughter. This new Spock might think he was being laughed at.  
  
"If you say so, Spock."  
  
"We are close, yes?" Spock continued to question as they opened the door to their rather rustic cabin.  
  
"You could say that."  
  
"I believe I just did, Jim." Spock answered letting the unfamiliar name roll off his tongue.  
  
"So you did. Yes, we've been friends for years. We're the best command team in Starfleet." Kirk told him, keeping his own newly discovered feelings from his mind as he squeezed Spock's shoulder in comfort, ignoring the intense gaze of his first officer as he did so. "Along with McCoy, we are good friends. Although your friendship with the good doctor is somewhat… argumentative at best."  
  
With a nod of his head, Spock seemed to take the explanation at face value as he carried his bags further into the cabin. Kirk followed close behind breathing a sigh of relief as Spock turned his perceptive gaze away from him. 


	13. Settling In and Unspoken Feelings

Meaningful Silences 13/?  
  
Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)  
  
A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.  
  
Sorry for the delay in updating, I have had a severe case of writer's block for this story for a few weeks now.   
  
Settling In And Unspoken Feelings  
  
Kirk, having not seen Risa in many years, explored their cabin with Spock after putting their luggage near the door where they entered. The main room downstairs was quite large and was simply furnished to look like an old log cabin from 18th century Earth as per Kirk's request.   
  
One of the reasons Kirk suggested Risa for their shore leave was due to the plentiful accommodations available to visitors. Remembering the camping trip he, Spock and McCoy had taken on a previous shore leave and the enjoyment Spock got out of it, Jim wanted something as rustic as possible to come back too. He planned to suggest sleeping under the stars some night soon after they got better settled in and hoped that Spock would respond favorably.   
  
The furnishings seemed to surround the fireplace in the center of the far wall as a focal point, and there were a few cozy chairs near enough so that had the fire been lit it would cast a warm peaceful glow to the room. When Kirk commented such, Spock responded that 'the glow is irrelevant to the amount of heat the fire gives off, and as such commenting on it is illogical. Not to mention that a light differential can not be inherently peaceful.'   
  
Kirk sighed softly to himself in melancholy remembering varying times in their long acquaintance that Spock would banter over his illogical human tendencies. What so depressed him currently was that Spock honestly had no idea what he had meant. Without further comment Jim lead his first officer into the connecting kitchen, ignoring for the moment the flight of stairs to their right.  
  
One of the good things about the doctor's absence from this trip was that having their own kitchen Kirk could for once eat what he wanted without worrying about his weight and diet. Although if he got to be too tubby he would have to listen to Bones' lecture once they got back aboard the Enterprise in two months. The mere prospect of such a lecture was enough to strike the fear of god into the good captain, famed throughout the galaxies as fearless.   
  
After walking through three more rooms making comments as he went and only getting weighing looks in return, Kirk was tempted to start glaring in exasperation. He settled for pouting instead as he unpacked silently that night once they had each retired to their respective bedrooms. But his sleep was anything but uninterrupted. Jim tossed and turned much of the night through and eventually got tired of lying in bed staring at the ceiling. At about 0300 he got up and walked quietly across the hall where he assumed Spock was meditating as made his way down to the kitchen.  
  
He was sitting in the dark staring out at the forest and mountains beyond the window, drinking his cooling tea. He privately thought that this wasn't much more helpful then staring at his ceiling but didn't have the energy to move. Their first day here had surprisingly enough drained him of his optimistic outlook towards Spock's recovery. He was so immersed in worrying if he'd ever truly get 'his' Spock back that he did not hear the padding on the stairs.   
  
"You are troubled." Spock stated without a hint of question in his voice, startling the captain and causing him to spill his tea across the table.   
  
"Shit!" Kirk swore angrily. He stood and began haphazardly mopping the spill with a towel. Only after he was done cleaning the area and knew he had a relatively tight reign on his temper and other less volatile emotions, did he look in Spock's direction. "What can I do for you Mister Spock? All good Starfleet officers should be in bed."  
  
Spock ignored his comment with simply a raised eyebrow before repeating himself once again.  
  
"You are troubled, Captain."  
  
"I am fine, Spock." Kirk responded neutrally. When his first officer merely continued staring at him with his perceptive eyes, Kirk added on more truthfully. "I am a bit at odds with myself. It is nothing for you to worry about. I'll get over it."  
  
"You are unknowingly broadcasting distress all over the cabin." Spock began hesitantly taking a step closer to his friend. He watched his captain close in on himself and hunch his shoulders at Spock's statement, and then the infamous captain's mask Kirk had perfected years ago dropped over his features and his face became completely closed off. The pain was still present however, perhaps even heightened. Spock raised a hand in supplication, but Kirk didn't see it as he stood up abruptly.  
  
"I'm sorry to keep you up. You need all the rest you can get. I'll just take a walk, I should be fine when I return." Kirk spoke flatly walking quickly out of the cabin without looking at Spock. Had he looked back he would have seen his 'indifferent' friend looking fairly devastated, standing exactly where he left him, a hand still raised in unspoken support. 


	14. Returning

Meaningful Silences 14/?

Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)

A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

Returning

Kirk wandered outside for a little over an hour, watching the night sky, attempting to clear his head. By the time he returned Spock was back upstairs, presumably meditating. He noticed that the cur and saucer he had left on the counter in his haste to leave had been both cleaned and put away in his absence. 

It was just like Spock to take care of Kirk in his way. It seemed that even without memory and having seen the more bristly side of his friend this facet of their relationship was still in effect. Kirk stared at the clear table thoughtfully, a frown marring his face, before he forcibly shrugged off the melancholy mood and stepped gingerly up the stairs making sure to be silent.

Kirk stopped next to the closed door to Spock's room placing his open palm against it in anguish before continuing on to his own room. He didn't see Spock rise from his relaxed position on the floor and walk towards the door when he heard quiet footsteps in the hallway, nor after much consideration when the Vulcan decided to respect his wishes and left him undisturbed.

Jim spent much of the night tossing and turning before finally settling down to sleep once the sun began to rise in the lightening sky. The hour was late when he finally awoke from slumber and stumbled into the fresher to clean himself. 

A delicious smell was what finally enticed him to leave the bathroom. Following his nose into the kitchen, Jim stopped short when he saw Spock standing at the antique stove cooking what looked like some weird type of omelet-salad hybrid. Where the meat and cheese should have been there were lots of green vegetables, some of which Kirk couldn't even identify.

"Please tell me that's edible." Kirk begged sniffing the air hungrily. "It smells good and I'm starved."

"You have eaten at 0700 yesterday. It is unlikely that your stomach would contract without food so quickly."

"You're a regular laugh riot." Kirk smiled as Spock ignored him to flip over the omelet. Spock's hair looked tinted blue in the rays of sunlight that fell through the window, casting the room in an illuminating glow.

"I found this recipe in the archives for human food. It has seven essential minerals to enhance your metabolism and nervous system."

"Thank you."

"…"

"I'm sure it will be delicious."

Kirk spooned the omelet into his mouth when Spock continued to watch him in something close to expectancy. Jim was careful to keep his face expressionless as he began chewing before he broke out into a wide grin.

"Wonderful. I should have you cook for me every morning." Jim gushed while taking another large bit of the green concoction. "It would probably save me from Bones nagging about my diet."

"Your diet is important if you are to keep in peek physical condition. If I could contribute I would be …pleased to help."

"I will hold you to that." Jim told him softly, before taking a sip of juice.

"I was curious when you were going to mention that you are my consort?"

The fruit juice that Jim was sipping spewed over everything including Spock. He watched the red liquid drip from the Vulcan's nose in shock.

"What?!?" 


	15. Confusion or Hopeful Thinking

Meaningful Silences 15?

Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)

A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

Confusion Or Hopeful Thinking

"Where would you get an idea like that?" Jim asked in shock, staring at the Vulcan who looked unperturbed as always. Jim on the other hand felt like Spock had punched him in the gut and could barely get enough air in his lungs.

"My father informed me."

"Sarek took you aside and told you that we were…" Jim asked incredulously, a light blush adorning his face. "My god, where's a Klingon when you need one?"

"I fail to understand what a Klingon has to do with my father explaining the intimacy of our relationship. He felt that I should know, since it seems you were content to leave me uninformed."

"There is no intimacy to inform you of." Jim told Spock sharply. "I have no idea what your father has been telling you, but I promise you he is very much mistaken."

"Perhaps, and if that was the only reason I thought so, I may be convinced you were correct."

"Whom else have you been speaking to?" Jim asked softly. "Did Bones say anything to you?"

"What would you expect him to say, since if as you've said there is nothing between us?" Spock asked suspiciously.

"I did not say there was nothing between us." Jim growled angrily. "Just that we aren't… intimate."

Spock did not respond save for a raised eyebrow.

"There have been rumors about our relationship for some time aboard the Enterprise. Your father must have thought similarly, and gotten the wrong impression."

"Perhaps, or if that is indeed the case perhaps our crew and my father saw something between us that one or the both of us were unaware of."

"You don't know anyone, barely remember my name or McCoy's yet you insist we're in some kind of illicit relationship. Trust me when I say you never thought of me that way, you even called me your brother once upon a time. We're friends, best friends, but that is all."

"Th'y'la?" Spock questioned softly.

"Yeah. That's what you said. "

"Did I ever tell you the meaning of the word?"

"Not specifically, but since you were talking about us at the time, I assumed it was the Vulcan word for friend. When I mentioned it you didn't disagree."

"That is because that is essentially correct."

"There you see, now stop making a mountain out of a molehill."

"If I understand you correctly you are saying I am finding intrigue where there is none."

"Exactly."

"Shall I tell you the true meaning of Th'y'la?"

Jim nodded slightly although a sense of foreboding seized him suddenly.

"It means friend, brother, lover."

"Th'y'la has three meanings then?" Jim asked hoarsely. "Perhaps you meant one of the three."

"Not three meanings. The one word encompasses all three concepts. Th'y'la is similar to the earthen word beloved."

"Do you mean to tell me you've been calling me beloved for over a year without me knowing it?"

"So it would seem." Spock agreed. 


	16. Amnesiac Advice

Meaningful Silences 16?

Rated: PG-13. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)

A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

Amnesiac Advice

"You told me that Vulcan did not have a word for friend specifically. I am sure that is all you meant by it. Besides you don't even remember me, so all of this is speculation until you regain your memory." Jim told Spock logically.

"You are the only thing I do know." Spock answered, unwilling to be brushed aside so easily. "When I remembered nothing, not even my parents or my home world, your face was familiar to me. I do not think that was by chance. You are obviously important to me. If you are indeed correct and I have been hiding my…regard for you, then it is obviously a large part of what I forgot. To simply ignore it and wait until I recall our specific relationship would be erroneous, and perhaps keep all of my memories from returning."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked cautiously, not liking the direction this conversation was going in, but seeing no way to change it.

"The doctors sent me on vacation with you because you are the person that I have spent the last five point two-one years of my life. Presumably you know me better than any other, my habits, my relationships, missions we've been on."

"Well I would hope so I've been your Captain for a number of years after all."

If Kirk didn't know any better he would think that Spock just gave him a dirty look.

"Since I am comfortable in your presence it would only make sense for you to help acclimate me to the present. If I am only told the comfortable aspects of my life, then I will never be as I was, only the outer shell."

"I packed your personal logs as well as a few personal effects, but wanted to wait to go through them until we both settled in a bit more. I figured we could take a look around the area first."

"Very well. Shall we explore this afternoon then?" Spock agreed, deciding the best way to work on Jim was to be in close contact with him. 

"Sounds good." Jim told him, practically jumping up from the table. Just before he could leave the kitchen however he felt a warm hand on his shoulder stopping him. He was so shocked at being voluntarily touched by Spock that he stilled completely.

"May I suggest that you contemplate our relationship and just how deep you wish it to go. I believe that once I regain my memories we will be having this discussion again except I will not be put off with excuses, Th'y'la."

Kirk watched Spock leave the room and it was only after he heard the upstairs door closing that he allowed his shaky legs to drop. He slumped into the nearest chair like a wet noodle. 

"God, how do I get into these situations?" He murmured into his hands despondently. Any other time and he would have been overjoyed if Spock told him that, but with him having no memories it was likely that the Vulcan was merely misunderstanding his own feelings. After all Kirk was the only thing that he remembered at all. "It's only natural that Spock latches on to me."

The longer he thought about it, the more sense it made. Kirk would just have to help Spock to remember his life even if by doing so he remembered that they were merely Captain and First Officer and very best friends.

"Damn Sarek anyway." 


	17. Inner Workings

Meaningful Silences 17?

Rated: T. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)

A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

Inner Workings

Kirk tied his hiking boots with somewhat unsteady hands, as he got ready for his outing with Spock. For once Kirk was so far removed from his comfort zone that he felt unsure of his actions. For a man so confident in himself and a Captain used to making split-second decisions of life or death magnitude, this lack of surety was eating away at him. 

He was wary of his every action and in the intervening hours since breakfast Jim had been guarding his tongue adroitly. For a strategist of his renown this was merely another challenge to overcome, but deep inside he felt set adrift and overcome with indecision. His strategy for their time on Risa was simplistic: Avoid the growing intimacy Spock was attempting to encourage between them, and deny and reciprocal feelings when the subject was breeched.

Kirk knew that eventually the Vulcan would force the issue, but for the moment Jim was more concerned with helping his best friend regain his lost memories, and his own piece of mind was secondary to that goal. So it was that with a put-upon sigh Kirk made his way downstairs to a waiting Spock, when indeed all he wished to do was lock himself inside his bedroom and try to come to terms with his own feelings, so recently discovered. Kirk knew deep in his heart that were he to accept Spock's advances only to loose him once his memories returned, he would not survive the encounter wholly intact.

"Let's go then." Kirk began speaking cheerfully while leading Spock from their cabin. "We're burning daylight."

Spock raised an eyebrow at Jim's foreign phrasing. Had this been the Spock of old Jim would have grinned at the amusement his Vulcan was incapable of verbalizing. There was no smile on his face now however, for instead of twinkling eyes that only his captain ever saw, Jim only observed genuine confusion in the Vulcan's gaze at the unfamiliar turn of phrase.

"It just means that it is getting late and I wanted to leave so we have as much time for exploring as possible before it gets dark."

"Why did you not just say so?" The Vulcan asked casually.

"I did." Kirk snapped in an uncharacteristically harsh voice. He immediately felt contrite when Spock's expression closed off completely. "That was uncalled for. I'm sorry."

"Apologies are extraneous."

When it looked as if Spock meant to continue on Kirk grabbed his shoulder forcibly to halt the movement, unreasonably panicked that if he left their relationship wouldn't survive. Kirk did not fool himself into believing he could hold Spock had he not wished to be held, so even though the Vulcan remained turned away Kirk was encouraged.

"Not to me. Look, I didn't mean to be so short with you. I'm a bit… confused at the moment, but I should not have taken my frustrations on you." When Spock remained seemingly unmoved Kirk forced himself to continue. "Uncertainty is not a state I am particularly familiar nor comfortable with. I have a tendency to strike out when I am feeling overly… vulnerable."

It was only at the last agonized whisper that Spock turned to face Jim properly.

"Shall we visit the falls first?" Spock asked seemingly ignoring the full content of Jim's heartfelt apology. Jim relaxed however and took no offense, because Spock's face was no longer a blank mask. Indeed his eyes were crinkling on the sides, the Vulcan equivalent to a large grin. 


	18. A Stroll Through Memory Lane

Meaningful Silences 18?

Rated: T. May go up later depending on the direction the story takes.  
Pairing: K/S (Although nothing explicit.)

A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so any feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

A Stroll Through Memory Lane

Jim followed Spock as he walked away from the cabin and took the left path into the mountains. The day was a bit overcast but it wasn't expected to rain and the sun was managing to peek through the tree branches every few feet. Spock was studying the surrounding foliage intently, and Jim knew had he brought a tricorder with him Spock would have been busy for the next few days observing the environment and wildlife. They continued in this way for an hour in silence, Spock observing their path, Jim observing Spock.

The peace was a nice contrast to the tension of that morning, similar to the fledgling beginning of their friendship before they built a rapport between them. Even so, there had always been a certain level of comfort to even their earliest interactions and it eased Jim's nerves somewhat. No matter what else was different, this was still Spock, and for that he was thankful.

As soon as Jim thought that he couldn't help remembering his conversation with Bones back on the Enterprise before they had found Spock. The doctor knew of his feelings and had to drug him in order to sleep. Looking back on that time, Jim was surprised Starfllet had not relieved him from duty, at least temporarily, considering the state of mind he was in. Hell, even now he still wasn't up to snuff. Perhaps it was a good thing that they both had this time off to recuperate. 

Jim glanced at Spock from the corner of his eye only to stumble slightly as he caught the Vulcan's eyes. It seemed that with the captain had been woolgathering, Spock had been observing his facial expressions, which unbeknownst to Jim, were open and deeply informative.

"You are troubled."

"Just remembering." Kirk answered softly, encouraged to continue by the curiosity shining in Spock's eyes. "Bone's sure gave me what for when you were… gone. "

"What for?"

"Means he lectured me on my uncaptain-like behavior. I was a mess."

"Yet you are troubled by my return."

"Not in the way you mean." Kirk responded quickly trying to reassure his friend that he was indeed glad to be with him. "I just don't know the proper way to act with you now. I mean you are still my friend, but there is a formality that wasn't there before. The Spock I know is still there, but you're like this whole new version. I just don't know how to act, I wouldn't want to offend you by touching you like I'm wont to do."

"Perhaps if you told me about my past I could get better acclimated to our current relationship." Spock suggested after a moment of thought carefully placing his palm on the bare skin of Kirk's neck.. "I do not believe that you could offend me however, even without my memories in tact."

"Why don't I tell you about the time when we all began to age unexpectedly…"

And so the afternoon went, with Jim narrating their many missions and explaining the finer points of chess.

"Perhaps we could play a game once we get back?" Spock suggested after they began heading back to the cabin later that day. "The strategy inherent in such a game sounds intriguing."

"That can be arranged. I even brought the set you made me a few years back just in case."

"I shall look forward to it." 


	19. A Game of Strategy and Cunning

Meaningful Silences 19?

Rated: T (May go up later depending on direction of fic.)

Pairing: K/S Nothing explicit.

A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so and feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

A Game of Strategy and Cunning

"That move was illogical."

Kirk didn't respond except with a small quirk to his lips. He was much more relaxed then he had been since Spock's reawakening. Perhaps it was the fact that they were finally doing something that they had done previously, but Kirk was much more comfortable in comparison to his state of mind that morning. A good game of chess was always a fine when of relieving stress, even during troubling times, of which this certainly classified.

"You deliberately sacrificed a rook for no apparent purpose." Spock continued, sounding thoroughly confounded.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time." Kirk grinned as he moved a pawn closer to the other end of the board. "Sometimes a good guess works just as well."

Kirk leaned back in his chair, just waiting for the outraged or as close to it response from his Vulcan opponent. He needn't wait long.

"A guess is not a logical way to make a decision. Do you do this often when we've played in the past?" Spock asked in a hopelessly confused tone of voice.

"Yes quite often in fact."

"I can only assume that you enjoyed playing the game, rather than winning it." Spock responded matter-of-factly.

"On the contrary, my fine Vulcan friend. I have actually won more then half using this method." Kirk answered gleefully. He laughed aloud when Spock raised his infamous eyebrow in disbelief. It was nice to see some of Spock's mannerisms still present, when much of his mind was absent.

"I fail to see any reasoning behind this guesswork of yours, let alone for you to actually win utilizing it."

"Perhaps guesswork isn't the correct term. I often use intuition when making spur of the moment decisions, and a logical analysis is why I keep your around."

"Indeed. It is a good thing that I am your first officer then, for it seems to me that you need sound reasoning when choosing a particular course of action. Perhaps that is why you have avoided discussing the depth of our relationship since before I died."

Spock watched as James stiffened in his seat from both the topic of conversation, as well as the reminder of his death however temporary it might have been.

"I thought we weren't going to discuss this further. Why can't you just drop it?" Kirk all but growled in frustration at his oblivious first officer.

"I am only trying to understand the parameters of our ...friendship. Perhaps it is you who are dwelling on the romantic connotations that were indeed present."

Kirk looked abashed for a moment before straightening in his seat and returning his gaze to the chessboard.

"How about if tomorrow we spend it going through each of our logs to give you a fair background of your career up till now? If we have time we can try to watch some of the personal ones as well." Kirk suggested hesitantly, concerned and what his logs would reveal, that not wanting to hinder his Vulcan's recovery.

"I believe I shall look forward to it." Spock answered before moving his queen back a space. "Check."

He waited for Kirk to make the next move. He was finding that human fascinating, and was anticipating what tomorrow would bring.


	20. Recap of a Life Well Lived 1

Meaningful Silences 20/?

Rated: T (May go up later depending on direction of fic.)

Pairing: K/S Nothing explicit.

A.N.: Takes place before and during 'The Search For Spock', May be somewhat inaccurate due to my foggy memories of the movie, but this was just banging around in my head. This is my first attempt at Star Trek fiction so and feedback is appreciated. Enjoy.

This chapter is going to skim a few missions, unfortunately it has been ages since I've seen the television episodes, so I don't remember the proper time line, nor specific details. Just go along and pretend it's creative license ;) Any corrections or suggestions for this part would be great.

Recap of a Life Well Lived (part 1)

Kirk was up early the next morning, due to an inability to quiet his restless thoughts long enough to sleep. This day promised to be interesting if nothing else. Kirk was curious to listen to Spock's own perspective on many of the incidents of their voyage, but at the same time was wary of digging too deep into the Vulcan's psyche. At the best of times Spock was very reticent of sharing his feelings with anyone, even his best-friend. Kirk couldn't get rid of the sense that Spock would be greatly pained at what they were about to do this day. Hell, Kirk was unsure if he wanted the Vulcan to have access to his personal thoughts either. Either way it was too late to change his mind, even if he could bear to disappoint Spock. After the way the Vulcan had lit up with curiosity, well-hidden of course, Kirk just didn't have the heart.

"You are awake 2.764 earth standard hours earlier than yesterday." Spock commented from the doorway. "You are well?"

"Of course." Kirk answered, although his lips quirked upward in surprise at the veiled concern. "It was stuffy in my bedroom, so I decided to get a glass of water."

"May I join you?"

"Be my guest."

"I do not understand the context of your statement, I believe I already am what you would term a guest." Spock's infamous eyebrow raised, this time in confusion.

"It means please join me." Kirk reiterated, all the while hiding his increasing frustration. He knew it was unfair to continuously compare the Spock he knew with this new 'version,' but he was helpless to do otherwise. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

"Yes."

"It'll be just a minute."

The next little while was quietly filled with the sounds of water being heated and tea preparation. Kirk hadn't made tea from scratch since his childhood years, and even then it was only done on special occasions, such as holidays. Making food himself, even if it was just a drink, was as domestic as he'd ever been. It seemed fitting then that he was taking care of Spock. In fact besides McCoy, Spock was the only other person he'd ever met, not family, who he could see himself doing this for. He guessed it was the small things after all.

"Here you are."

"Thank you." Spock answered him hesitantly, having never used that particular human turn of phrase that he could remember, since it was not a Vulcan trait. It seemed that Kirk wasn't the only one attempting to leave his comfort zone. For what ever reason, that simple phrase coming out of Spock's mouth warmed him through.

"It's fine." Kirk told him reassuringly, flashing the Kirk-grin at him. "Since we are both up why don't we get an early start at looking into our logs."

"Very well."

Spock stood and with his tea in one hand gestured for his captain to precede him up the stairs into the Vulcan's bedroom. From there they both got comfortable in front of the viewing terminal.

"Computer play log, Commander Spock Stardate 1.6745." Spock ordered in his usual smooth cadence.

"Captain James Tiberius Kirk embarked at 0634.35 hours. His first action as captain was to do an inspection of the bridge and her crew. He was... thorough and seems to have already begun building a rapport with Uhara in particular. This is unsurprising from what his files suggest. His leadership style is informal to the extreme when compared to Captain Pike. I shall adjust accordingly."

"You told Starfleet Command that I was a horn dog." Kirk commented in shock. So that was Spock's first assessment of him. He noticed the confusion on the Vulcan's face and rephrased. "A skirt-chaser, flirt, Lothario."

"Ah. So it would seem."

"Amazing. So let's find out what you said about me in your personal log, shall we?"

"Captain James Tiberius Kirk is very young. At 36.34448 years of age he is the youngest Starfleet captain ever. I do not see what distinguishes him from his contemporaries. He is charismatic, and seems relatively confident in his abilities, but if his interaction with myself is any indication he is unfamiliar with first contact procedures and protocol. This shows a decided lack of research and even respect for other species. I shall observe and make further inquiries regarding Kirk's history. He touched me a total of five times in the 22.765 minutes while he was on the bridge. I shall have to send him the standard first contact briefing regarding Vulcans, since he seems to be unaware that we are touch-telepaths. His familiarity with my person is... disconcerting. I will meditate about this matter further."

The only sound as the log stopped was the heavy breathing of Kirk. He was unaware of the Vulcan's regard as he attempted to get his breathing in order, but it felt like he had been punched in the gut by the revelatory nature of Spock's personal log.

"You didn't like me."

"I do not believe I said-"

"You thought I was a young, brash, disrespectful asshole." Kirk's troubled tone interrupted him mid sentence.

"I have never used any of that terminology to describe you, Jim."

"How would you know? You don't even remember me." Kirk reminded him.

Spock never spoke his next thought aloud because it was then that he noticed for the first time Jim's depressed continence. For what ever reason the Vulcan's first rather negative impression of him deeply hurt his friend.

"Having met you for essentially the first time a little over twenty-three days ago, I would not classify you as any of the things that you just said. Now whether your personality has changed in the years I've known you, or I made a faulty judgment originally with too little data to support it, I can promise you that you are not brash nor disrespectful."

Jim was quiet for longer than was his norm, and just when Spock thought his words did not have the desired effect, Jim grinned rather self consciously.

"I see that you didn't disagree that I was young and an asshole though."


End file.
